Anger is a normal, healthy emotion.It’s perfectly healthy to feel anger when you are mistreated or wronged by someone you love, but when anger becomes consistent, explosive, or out of control, it can have dire consequences for your marriage, health and state of mind.
If you’re one of the hotter people in your relationship, you might feel like it’s out of your reach, it’s your nature and you really can’t do much about it. But you have more control over your anger than you think. Once you know why you or your partner is keeping it, you can then look for different ways to treat it. This is what I will share with you today so that you can save your marriage and prevent divorce.
Why anger exists and continues in marriage – marriage counseling
1. To punish and make things fair
People retain anger to punish someone, either with their bad behavior or their angry behavior, and in doing so, they feel that life is more fair. An angry mindset is, “If they do something bad to me, it’s not fair to be punished.” But if you punish someone with your anger or bad behavior, you are creating more punishment for yourself, because I don’t feel good if you act without love or hate. Tantrums and feelings of guilt are often followed by horrific feelings of guilt.
The key to remember is that it is not our role to punish others, especially our spouses, and that anger does not make things fair …
2. To teach them the lesson, so they don’t do it again
The second reason many people carry anger is because they want to teach their spouses a lesson, so that they never do it again. Some form of retaliation for the behavior they performed in an effort to prevent the same from happening. The problem with this approach is that it does not work.
If you look at your private life, let’s say you do something that you are not proud of or happy about and that you get angry at yourself and feel guilty about it, you may feel dread inside you but nothing changes?
Suppose you eat a lot of fried or sugary food, spend a lot, drink a lot at a party or do something else you don’t like. Anger at yourself is not helping you, it just makes you feel bad, which in turn can lead you to indulge in more unhealthy behaviors. If you really want change, you need positive motivators to achieve lasting results, not feelings of guilt or anger and find alternate habits and deal with anger. This is how the behavior has changed. The same applies to your marriage. Anger won’t help them change and it certainly won’t help your marriage.
If you are kind and compassionate towards your partner, you have a much greater chance of influencing them than being angry and they are less likely to turn it on you. The next time someone hurts, show them compassion and explain the effect it has on you and your feelings, you will be most effective in changing the behavior.
3. Get what you want
Another cause of anger in relationships is the mistaken belief that if we get angry, we will get what we want. The mentality is, “If I get angry, they will do what I want them” or “If I fear them they will back off” This is to use anger as a form of manipulation, to get something that does not help save your marriage, causes hostility, heartache and pain.
We tend to learn this from our role models growing up with, parents, teachers and other elderly people we look up to and often get mad at us at some point so we acted and did what they wanted us to do. This is a disaster for marriage, real power does not come from bullying, it comes from positive influence, otherwise all you will succeed in getting is disrespect and possibly love.
It helps to be kind and compassionate to get what you want, as this creates a greater willingness to listen and adjust.
4. To avoid blame, error and confusion
Another harmful way to use angry silence or agitation in marriage is to distance yourself from the issue raised. It happens a lot in my marital counseling sessions, where one person makes a complaint about something they’d like to change and instead of being heard too, their partner turns it over to him and blames him, either for the way he said it or made it. Attacking the charges again. Anger to be avoided, perversion, or blame will not save the marriage, it will crush it as no one will ever be heard. Sitting and agreeing with your spouse can help you make the difference between what revenge is and what is self-defense, the latter should never hurt a person and get revenge.
You might be wondering how this could help me in my marriage, well if you learn to recognize the roots of your anger, show remorse and make attempts to repair the damage, you will be well on your way to saving your marriage, realizing where it comes from and why it is the first major step to change. The following steps look at ways to calm down, discover and change your triggers, and tips to stop them for the time being, which I’ll cover later.