When we are adults and meet the person we are certain we will marry, many of us set a target at this point. We want to control circumstances so that he ultimately wants to marry us. This could be true even if it shows some resistance. Many of us believe that if we can change our minds, he will see how wonderful marriage is, and once we overcome this obstacle, we will have a long and happy marriage.
Unfortunately, it is not always done this way. Even when you think your marriage is fine, a man who did not want to get married in the first place can become a husband who is not sure that he wants to remain married at a later time. This can be painful, but it can also be very confusing, especially when you have a life together or there are children involved.
A wife might explain a dilemma like this: “My mom says that if I listened to my husband when we were dating, I wouldn’t be in the mess that I am in now. I dated my husband for nearly five years before he could convince him to marry me. Even then,” He was very open about the fact that he didn’t really believe in marriage nor wanted to do it. I attributed it to the fact that his parents had a very bad relationship and that he had no idea how a healthy marriage would work. I thought I could teach him this because my parents have such a wonderful marriage. I think. Frankly our marriage is very strong. It is not perfect, but there is no marriage. We have a small child now. We must count our blessings. But my husband is not. He still only tolerates marriage. He started suggesting that we should separate and part for some time and when this annoys me, He will say: “You knew I did not want to marry. I did not lie to you about this. I made it very clear, but you insisted and here we are now and I still do not want to get married even though I love you and our child. Marriage just doesn’t work for me. Because of our baby, it’s not as simple as going separate ways. I love him and I don’t want our child to grow up with just one parent. Is there any way to make someone who does not accept marriage? “
Well, I don’t know your husband or the situation, but I probably would have tried what I did – I had hoped the marriage would overcome his objections. This is a reasonable thing to hope for. And we have all known couples who have had a party reluctant to go into it and who eventually change their minds when the marriage has been satisfying. I don’t think you have an unrealistic goal. And the fact that your husband was willing to ignore his reservations and the experience of marriage probably says a lot about his feelings for you. He likely wasn’t willing to do this if he didn’t like you and if he didn’t want it to work.
However, there are clearly some reservations that remain. I agree with you that I don’t want to give up before I try everything possible to get the marriage back on the right track, especially since there is a child. I admit that I am very old-fashioned about marriage, but I think if you are in a situation where you both love each other and treat each other with respect, then it makes sense to try different things to change this before moving away.
In that case, I think seeking advice would be a great place to start. You may get some resistance from him, and if that’s the case, you may have to go alone at first and ask him to accompany you later because he sees how helpful you can be. Many people ask their spouse for their support as a first step toward joint counseling. They are a kind of facilitation for their wives in that and there is nothing wrong with that.
I suggest counseling because I believe a professional will have the best chance of uncovering issues in the past that led to your husband’s reluctance now. He may not know himself even the most that contributes to his misery. Not only can a therapist help him identify what is really wrong, but he can also help you both deal with this and then build the marriage that will work for both of you.
I know that not everyone likes the idea of counseling, but some issues give way to third-party help. Issues from childhood and issues that you have tried to solve on your own but cannot be good examples of this.